No pay for Horsepower

I had to share this with you, because this is what I (and I am sure many other actors) deal with on a daily basis. I have removed the names and details of the project to protect those individuals involved. Please, where do I sign?

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**Insert name of Theatre here** are casting Macbeth. **Founder's name**, founder. Project will be rehearsed/workshopped June-July (three to five rehearsals per week); work-in-progress will be shown mid-to-late July at a storefront space at **location**. in Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

Seeking—Actress: 18-49, any ethnicity. Producer's statement: "Seeking a beautiful actress who doesn't give a f*** about 'acting,' who thinks that the whole idea is outdated and demeaning, who seeks new horizons ripped from the bowels of the future and wants to be in a really bad ass theater piece that will deliver mind-blowing numbness defying poetic love. Sort of like Easy Rider circa 2011 and no drugs. I'll bring the writing, you bring the horsepower. Experienced, trained, mature and wants to tour the world."

Email pix & résumés ASAP to **email**. For more information, visit **website** No pay, but meals provided.

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My response... umm.... what?

Inspiration are you here?

So I am having a hard time being inspired lately. It could be that NYC has made me jaded and I hate everyone and everything sometimes. But anyway...

I keep reading and writing and I even went to draw a nude model last week to see if sketching would bring some creative juices back to my drying brain. It worked for about a day.

I'm not sure what is wrong, but I feel like nothing is speaking to me. I read books and I think, "that's nice, good for him/her." I read plays and think "wow, good writing..." end. Nothing speaks directly to me and makes me want to DO anything with it. I don't feel moved to write a play or memorize a particular monologue or look into a theatre company. I just feel... bored. And a bit numb.

In other news, I am finding it very difficult to sit down and actually work on the things that I have been cast in. Memorization has always been something I struggle with, which is probably why I have been so attracted to films and TV lately. But really, other than the 2 hours I spend it rehearsal, I tell myself to look at a play I am in and then I never do...could be the lack of inspirations.

Sorry for the depressing blog. I guess they have to happen every now and again.

So any advice? What inspires you??

How Old is too Old?

I am not old. I know this. But I recently had a milestone birthday which has been making me think about these kinds of things...

I am constantly seeing movie stars who are winning awards and on TV shows in their early 20's. Look at every actor on ABC Family. No, it might not be Oscar-winning drama, but shows like "Pretty Little Liars," "Vampire Diaries" and "The Secret Life" have a HUGE fan base and are really jump starting some actors' careers.

So is it good enough that I LOOK like I'm 24? Or am I too late for this kind of casting pool?

I have a friend who I did a show with and who I follow on Twitter who is younger than me and is constantly auditioning and in a show. He is a Rockstar. And I am always thinking - "how do you have so much time/energy?"

See, when I moved to NYC I was immediately cast in an off-off-Broadway show called "The Best Party Ever." It was a great experience and it really spring-boarded my ego and reassured me that NYC is where I should be. But then I ran out of money. Afternoon rehearsals 4 times a week did not allow me to work at my job at the time (Starbucks ugh), and evening performances didn't let me get a restaurant job. I quickly ran out of money and began to panic.

So then I didn't do another show for a year and a half. I got a great job at a restaurant and let it take up all of my time. I focused on doing the "New York Thing:" which was drinking, dating, working and being happy that for once in my life I was financially comfortable. Sure I still read Backstage every week and wrote down auditions in my planner. But I never went to them.

Fast forward to now. I am auditioning and in rehearsals and have the time and some of the energy to do these things I should have been doing when I was 21 but couldn't do. But my question is, am I too late? And what if I want a life and a career too (that is probably another Blog.) These kids have 4 years on me, and where I might look the same age as them, I'm more jaded, have a little less energy and feel so much older than them.

Another example is this: I have worked on "the Big C" in Connecticut as part of their core high school group. HIGH SCHOOL. I was turning 27 and I was working and hanging out with a girl who was 10 years younger than me. She was talking about her finals and which colleges she would be applying to. And it just makes me think, "damn...I could have been doing this years ago and now I would have a one-up on all these other people in this city who want to do the same thing I want to do." In a business so vicious and cutthroat, where the slightest difference in a resume or personality or knowledge or whatever could get you the part over someone else, I WISH I had started earlier.

Why do we do what we do

I spent the last week in Rochester NY, which is why I haven't posted (I promise I will get more prolific than once a month... soon). I was performing in a play called "And Then They Came for Me: Remembering the World of Anne Frank." I have been performing this show with the same cast (3 other marvelous actors), director and costume designer for 6 years now. We are a family, even if it is only for a week. I love them dearly and feel right at home as soon as I walk through the stage door.

As I'm sure you can tell from the name, the show is not a happy one. It tells the story of 2 Holocaust survivors: a woman named Eva Geringer, who ended up being the postmortem step sister to Anne Frank and a man named Ed Silverberg who was friends with Anne before she went into hiding. Eva and Anne were both 15 years old when they were put into the concentration camps. Eva was there for 9 months and lost her older brother, Heinz, and her father. Her and her mother survived and traveled back to their apartment in Holland. Anne's entire family perished except her father, Otto Frank. After the war he also returned to his apartment in Holland - right down the street from where Eva and her mother were living. Her mother and Otto exchanged stories, grew together, and eventually got married. A happy ending in a dark sea of tragedy.

I play Eva Geringer as a 15 year old girl. I portray her from the point where her family went into hiding, all through the time she was in Auschwitz and after when her and her mother returned home. It is not a pleasant thing to be in concentration camp stripes depicting stories of malnutrition and seeing human beings dying left and right. The cast agrees this is not something which we think of as "fun." Yet, we come back every year - why?

There are some roles you take because they will further your career. Others because they are amazing characters which will help you grow as an actor and look great on your resume. You might have the experience to work with a particular director or other performer. And then there are the jobs you do because of how important they are.

We perform this show to schools. We have performed it now to thousands upon thousands of students and teachers and even adults in the 6 years we have been living the lives of these amazing people. And it is because their story needs to be told. Eva Geringer was 15 years old in Auschwitz. She was among the youngest people to escape. She is now 81. In 20 years, there will be no more Holocaust survivors. Their stories are of the utmost importance - for our history, for our civilization, for us to grow and learn as human beings. And we must keep alive the memory of the people who were lost in the devastation - Heinz and Erich Geringer in this particular story.

We learn as actors to use sense-memory and other techniques to "see" what our character sees and "feel" what our character feels. I know that nothing I have ever experienced could ever come close to what the real Eva went through. I just hope that we, as a small group of dedicated people who have met her and love her, can bring her story to life with as much honesty and integrity as possible. Eva, this last week was for you ;)

The Friends or the Fame

Well, this week has been a productive one. 4 successful and productive rehearsals for a new Shakespeare show I'm acting in that will open at the end of March. I shot 2 student films, went to 4 auditions and am currently gearing up to go to Rochester this Sunday to be in this year's RCT production of "And Then They Came for Me."

If you are my friend on Facebook, or follow the few tweets I post (I am still quite Twitter retarded and constantly put it down out of frustration,) you already know these things. I usually keep my friends back home in the know by trying to update when I am doing a show or going to an audition. No one uses the phone these days, so it is the easiest way to tell everyone at once what I'm up to. Now if only my grandparents would get a smart phone I wouldn't ever feel guilty for not getting back home more.

And then today I finally saw "The Social Network" and it got me thinking. Facebook was originally created to meet girls and guys in college and find out if they were single. It was basically an exclusive school dating site. A place to see who was hot and who was not and who had more friends than who. A popularity contest. Like superlatives in high school, "best smile," "worst car." I'm not exactly sure why Twitter was created, but I am guessing it's something close to the same, only this time reduced to 140 characters.

So how important are these sites to one's career? Especially a career in the entertainment business? In a world where Charlie Sheen got over one million Twitter followers in 48 hours because he goes crazy and Snooki ends up on the cover of Rolling Stone, how important is it for someone pursuing a career in acting to focus on social media sites like Twitter and Facebook? Is it a popularity contest or do you still have to have some kind of talent? On top of acting classes, voice lessons, dance practice, going to the gym to stay fit, reading up on the latest plays, seeing the latest movies, being attractive, easy to work with, fun to be around, intelligent and witty and charming and all of the other things that the world insists an actor must be - you also have to have a million Twitter followers and a max on Facebook friends? If this is true, my next question is which comes first; The friends or the fame?

Beginner's Luck?

I tried this once before. I have tried this a few times before, blogging I mean, in various places. Anyone remember MySpace? Yeah, I had a blog there. But somehow, the girl who writes everything down and has kept a journal since she was 15 (and I still have them much to my boyfriend's annoyance - he calls me a hoarder), was not able to keep a blog going. This is a fresh start, let's try again.

This will be an exploration of this crazy life of mine. Anyone who doesn't know me yet will soon know that I want to be an actor. I suppose I am already an actor... but I mean a Professional Actor. One who gets paid and makes a living acting without having to work in a restaurant, bar, behind a desk, nude model, personal assistant, nanny, dog walker, home sales person, retail supplier or other random part time obligation to pay the rent. I want to be a full-time, professional, working Actor.

Anyone who has ever tried this, knows that the pursuance of this job comes with a plethora of ups and downs. It also comes with a spattering of random trials, errors, jobs, personal meetings, judgments, the list goes on and on. Some of these occurrences are hilarious (I will admit myself that I am somewhat of a Lucille Ball character sometimes) and some are downright heartbreaking. But all are necessary and all are making me into what I hope will one day be a better person and a great and successful actress.

So here is my journey. With all the trials and tribulations for you to read. Please laugh, cry, comment, whatever you need. I will probably be doing the same. I will try to be honest with myself, which I believe is the best way to grow. Although I understand the motto of "fake it till you make it", I also understand that there is only so much you can fool yourself.

So here is to the first step of my new journey. Let's see if I can get past the first post this time.